My husband has handled our kids’ holiday gifts for the past couple of years. He keeps ideas on our shared list app so I can see them, but I didn’t bother checking this year. He fields questions from grandparents about what to get. He goes with our daughter to the craft store, researches games with our son, and does all the gift-wrapping. He reminds our children of the meaning behind certain traditions.
I don’t share this as a brag (though, yes, he’s a good one, and I appreciate him!). I share this as an invitation. Consider what you might be able to let go of a little bit next time to actually enjoy some holiday magic.
Last month felt like a dizzying blend of ads for sales and hostess guides and moms complaining they were overwhelmed by how much they had to do. The pressure to give our kids a happy holiday is usually self-inflicted and imposed upon us by societal expectations. It gets mixed in with end-of-year work stress, the extra busyness and calendar puzzles created by school parties and performances, and the regular mental load of modern mom life. And it’s exhausting!
Moms continue to bear too much of the burden, even when their spouses intend to be supportive partners; a recent study of 3,000 US families found that moms “hold a disproportionately large share of daily domestic cognitive labor (79%) compared to fathers (37%)” and that dads tend to overestimate their cognitive labor contributions.
We know this kind of inequitable division of work impacts maternal mental health, as cognitive labor is associated with depression, stress, burnout, and relationship functioning. And while many men are stepping up to share the load, it doesn’t feel like much has changed for mamas in the past decade. I see this all the time with my friends and the women I support through my counseling practice.
So next time there’s a holiday, consider talking to your partner (if you have one) or other caregiver in your kids’ lives about how things can feel fair. Let go of the mom guilt for not being involved in every little task. It’s beautiful to see your children understand that their father is a loving parent who pays attention to their interests and is involved in caregiving chores.
