Sometime during my two-hour drive in the dark, dropping off Halloween “boo bags” for every kid in my son’s class, it occurred to me that moms need to save some holiday magic for themselves.
Maybe you grew up associating Christmas morning with the smell of hot chocolate and pine and the sight of twinkling lights and sentimental ornaments. Perhaps you fondly recall collecting personalized Valentine’s Day notes from friends and coming home from school with a backpack full of candy hearts. Maybe your favorite part of July 4th has always been the red, white, and blue decorations at your family barbeque that match your color-coordinated outfits.
Most likely, the person behind these magical memories was a mom. And – even if she loved the holidays – maybe, probably, she was overtired and underappreciated.
Moms still today tend to carry the majority of the mental load of the holidays. Even if they are not cooking a homemade meal (it’s me, hi), they are likely buying craft supplies, considering which family members to merge at which gatherings, putting together party favors, and much more. Some moms, like my dear friend and fellow Westchester County Mom contributor Drew Kramer, find joy and meaning in taking responsibility for holiday events as a way to carry on traditions.
Other moms may not – and that’s okay.
I work with many women in my counseling practice who feel overwhelmed by the pressure to make every holiday perfect for their families. They feel stressed about drafting handwritten cards for all grandmas and aunts on Mother’s Day on behalf of the kids (as if we think the children came up with the idea) or ensuring that everyone looks their best for the holiday card family photoshoot (tears and sweat are typical, even with wonderful photographers!).
The holidays are meant to be special and fun, but because of the pressure we feel to meet expectations – including ones that are imposed on us by society or extended family members with whom we may not otherwise agree – moms often end up feeling burned out, anxious, and upset instead of present, festive, and appreciative.
While I may be unable to provide a cornbread recipe, as a social worker specializing in maternal mental health, I have some suggested ingredients for a calming spell for moms.
1. Boundaries
It’s important to set boundaries, especially during this hectic time of year. You don’t need to say yes to every invitation or do what is being asked of you, whether by your family of origin, your in-laws, your work, or anyone else. The multiple Secret Santa exchanges between your colleagues, girlfriends, and cousins may be too many. If the thought of having Thanksgiving dinner with that grumpy uncle makes you nauseous before the menu is even mentioned, don’t go. I help women say no to low-stakes opportunities to get them more comfortable saying yes to what they care about.
2. Priorities
Though I encourage you to lean out a bit regarding the holiday mental load, I’m no Grinch. I genuinely love holidays! I learned a long time ago that giving 100% to everything is impossible and unnecessary. So, pick and choose which holidays or aspects of them are most important to you (which may vary each year).
For those lower on your list, remind yourself that good enough is truly good enough. I’m a huge fan of Halloween (can’t you tell by the witchy vibes?!). I go all out with costumes, candy, celebrations, and decorations. Then I know I need to rest! So, I usually refrain from hosting during the especially busy November/December holiday season.
3. Clear Communication Strategies
Everyone has different holiday traditions and preferences; no one can read your mind. Please, go ahead and say what you need! Identify what you want, what you don’t, and what your expectations are – for yourself and your partner if you have one. That partner should be a true teammate and should recognize that moms can’t and shouldn’t have to do it all alone.
My husband, for example, handles the Hanukkah gifts from the beginning (thinking about what’s wanted and appropriate) to the end (wrapping and delivering). In Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play method, a card game and tool I teach to divide household and caregiving tasks more equitably, we call that “holding the holiday gift card.” Try to deal the deck before you deck the halls!
Sprinkle in some self-compassion, and you now possess a potion for less stress and more magic. Happy Holidays, mama!
