Once upon a time, in a land – well – not so far away, I had four young sons who all needed to arrive on the first day of school with their teeth brushed and their backpacks loaded. As a fairly well-organized Westchester County mom, I had dutifully checked their classroom supply lists and started getting them to bed earlier so they would be used to their new school sleep schedules.
The most worrisome challenge I faced every September, though, regarded their social skills. Would they properly read the room? Would they be accepted? Ultimately, would they make friends?
All four of my sons fall under the neurodiverse umbrella, which means they process the world around them differently than typical kids. I call my family a veritable alphabet soup of diagnoses, from ADHD to ASD, from OCD to GAD, and then some. My kids are kind, intelligent, and articulate, and yet they must maneuver through the world differently than others do.
In grade school, they had to account for the impulsivity that comes with ADHD, the disconnection of autism, the rigidity of OCD, and the distress that accompanies anxiety. That meant free play could be dicey, and friendships were not always a given.
Over the years, we developed strategies that helped our boys navigate those early school days. Today, as young men, they are in relationships, hold jobs, and live independently —a testament to their resilience and hard work, as well as the lessons they have learned along the way.
Here are some tips to help your kids overcome social challenges this school year.
Play Dates
When I was a little girl, I would come home every afternoon and tell my mom exactly who I wanted to play with the next day. My boys were different. They needed prompting and encouragement – and sometimes the names of classmates – to plan play dates. And one-on-one play time was crucial in developing relationships among kids my boys saw every day but struggled to bond with in the classroom.
It meant putting aside worries that other moms wouldn’t know me or that the kids wouldn’t want to play with my boys. I found that in the youngest grades, most kids were open to playing with almost everyone. When possible, I hosted play dates at our home so my boys felt comfortable and I could plan activities (shaving cream art projects!) and snacks (chocolate chip pancakes for one particularly picky visitor!). The key was creating time for just two kids to bond over Legos, pets, or Nerf gun fights.
Activities
There is a fine line between encouraging our neurodiverse children to experiment with new activities and forcing them to take on foreign identities. And yet, young children must be introduced to new experiences in the same way they must sometimes taste unfamiliar foods.
As we parents are wont to say: You won’t know unless you try. The essential element is finding hobbies that are a good fit for our children, rather than following the crowd after school. If your child loves racing around outside, soccer could be a terrific option; if your child prefers calm and quiet, an art class might be a better fit. Also consider turning therapeutic activities into fun, social pastimes: classes like clay, gymnastics, karate, and music bring our children together with other kids who share their interests and simultaneously help them develop important skills.
Downtime
In our efforts to help our kids find friendship and connection, we can sometimes err on the side of over-scheduling. While most kids benefit from some unstructured time, neurodiverse children in particular need time to recalibrate after a full day of socializing.
I know I am not alone in hearing from teachers that my son had a good day at school, only to endure massive meltdowns once he was in the safety of his own home. A typical school day may be the most our kids can tolerate, which means activities and play dates often need to happen on weekends. On the other hand, some children look forward to after-school activities, and the weekends become their fortress of solitude.
In all cases, our neurodiverse kids need patience and understanding. They need to be accepted by us, their parents, just as they are, regardless of how many – or how few – friends they have in school.
We can all improve, which means our children with ADHD will need to learn to control their hands, and our kids with learning differences will have to work extra hard to succeed in the classroom. And yet, while our kids are still young, we have the opportunity to help them see themselves as the insightful, funny, and sensitive people they are. We can teach them that the most important relationship is with themselves, and that lesson will benefit our children the most in the long term.
As a Certified Professional Coach and keynote speaker, Carol supports parents of neurodiverse children as they navigate their family journeys. She received an undergraduate degree in English from the University of Pennsylvania and a master’s in journalism from New York University, relying on real-world experience to motivate parents who struggle to raise children who don’t fit the mold. As a mom to four thriving neurodiverse sons, Carol calls her family a veritable alphabet soup of diagnoses. She speaks with candor and credibility about the challenges facing families like her own, offering hope and practical advice on family dynamics, academic support, and learning to appreciate the hidden gifts. Carol’s relatable and inspirational stories, along with her coaching work through Family Pathways Coaching, help parents understand that life really can be so much better.
