When you become parents, you are expected to share your children’s responsibilities equally. You both take turns taking your children to their school events. You both drive them to their play dates. You are both there for their after-school activities. You take them to the doctor’s office, plan their activities, help and guide them, etc.
But what happens when you are the default parent? Meaning that you are the primary and sometimes sole caretaker. How does this happen?
It doesn’t always happen because one parent works and the other doesn’t. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, but my dad was the default parent. He did everything for us except the cooking. I can say that being a father was the most important thing to him. He loved being our father, and we loved him back. So, we turned to him for all our needs. On the other hand, my mom made it clear that she wasn’t interested in anything we did. So, as a result, we kept her at arm’s length.
While I’m the default parent now, I can’t compare my husband to my mom in any way. It happens that he’s always had high-demanding jobs, having to work around the clock, even on holidays and breaks. So, I became the primary caretaker of our children.
However, we have one very important rule in our household, one that we always keep no matter what. It’s our family dinner. We always have dinner together at the dining table, and it’s our time to catch up, chat, and exchange opinions while enjoying a homemade meal.
My husband is always there for dinner with us. It’s the most important thing we do, no matter what—he never missed a family meal for the last 20 years unless he was abroad on a job.
I also make sure he knows everything that’s going on in our lives, big or small. I copy him in school emails and consult with him regarding all decisions. I make sure the kids know that their dad knows and approves of whatever they are doing, and it’s not just up to me alone.
But despite all my husband’s efforts to be involved and all my efforts to make that known, I still became the default parent.
My younger child got too attached to me; she could not see anyone in her entire world but me. My husband would initiate a chat, and to our utter shock, she would look at me and direct her response to me as if I were the one who initiated the chat, not him. He would bring her favorite chocolate or do something nice for her, and in return, she would thank me instead, totally ignoring his existence.
It didn’t happen once, twice, or a few times; it was the trend. The more he tried to reach out, the deeper it hurt him. And it hurt me to witness it.
Yes, I’ve become the default parent. She comes to me for everything she needs or wants, and I’m the one she shares her thoughts and dreams with. However, my husband is there in the background overseeing everything.
This is not the case with my older daughter. She texts her dad from college and shares things I don’t know about. This makes me happy to know how close they are. So, what’s the deal?
Being the default parent is a big responsibility and can be heavy if you don’t have your partner’s support.
Being the default parent doesn’t necessarily cancel the other parent’s role. Your partner can be too busy to be as involved as you are, but there can be a fine line between wanting to be involved but being too busy and totally uninterested in your child’s life.
It’s also only fair to acknowledge the behind-the-scenes parent. The parent who works very hard to provide for the family but doesn’t always get the credit they deserve. The parent who misses out on important events and milestones, knowing it kills them to be absent, only to make a decent living for the family.
All parents should be acknowledged for what they do for their families. We are all trying our best.
