I always thought I would have my children, like in the movies. You fall immediately in love with them as soon as you see them. It didn’t happen like that for me. In fact, I struggled with each of my children for the first year.
But I distinctly have one memory of each of my children when they were sleeping, and I remember feeling like my heart would burst. It was so overwhelming.
There was just a tidal wave of emotions that hit me.
In those moments, I knew that no matter what, my children would have my unconditional love always and forever.
For me having a child was a choice, one I took very seriously. I wasn’t always sure that I wanted to be a mother, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be biologically mine. So, when I eventually decided to have a child, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my childhood, my parents, other parents and families.
I found out that one of the most important things for me was showing unconditional love and support.
I want my children to know they have my unconditional support and love no matter what. That may sound straightforward or a given, but I didn’t grow up with it.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew my parents loved and supported me, but it was not always unconditional.
When I fell, there was always an I told you so, or some lesson to be learned. The support, the comfort, and the help to get me back up again was something that, if I received it, was always second to the lesson. Usually, though, I learned to get back up on my own because “I should have listened.”
That is not what I want for my children. I don’t want to be the “I told you so, parent.” I want to be a parent who is there unconditionally. Why? Because we all make mistakes.
I make mistakes, my children make mistakes, and for me, that is ok.
Life is a roller coaster, or it has certainly been one for me, and I know the last thing I want when I am down is to feel pushed even further down.
I admit sometimes it is so difficult. I ask them not to run 100 times because the floors are slippery and one of them will get hurt, and sure enough, it happens. And just like that, it is right there on my lips; if you had listened, or I asked you not to run.
I take a deep breath and count to ten, a self-reminder that this is not what they need right now. They need my love and support. They are hurt. They want comfort and compassion, so that I will give them that.
Once all the screaming and crying have stopped, we can talk about it, but for now, I need to give them cuddles and kisses and make it all better.
Admittedly, with a nearly 4-year-old and just over one-year-old, the mistakes are all pretty manageable. It usually comes down to slips, trips, falls, and mess, mess, and more mess. All of which so far have been fixable.
So, right now, while I can, I try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to encourage them to be independent, fearless children but guide them when I feel it is appropriate.
Because really, guidance is all I have to offer, insight based on my experiences, and they are living their lives with their experiences which can be different. It has already happened when my guidance has not been followed, and the outcome is not as expected. It is very humbling having your three-year-old daughter tell you she was right and you were wrong.
“Yes, you were right; Mummy was wrong.”
The irony is I would much rather be wrong than be right. I would much rather the unexpected happen and they don’t fall or get hurt. But if they do, and they will (especially if they are anything like me), I hope they know I will always be there for them no matter what.
