Telling Isn’t Tattling: The Hidden Message Behind This Damaging Label

When my eldest was in first grade, his teacher spoke with me at a parent-teacher conference about her frustration with his tendency to tell her all his classroom problems. She labeled this as “tattling” on the other children and felt that he should have been figuring it out among his friends independently.

I very much felt that he had the right to ask for help! I thought it was a little early on in life for him to feel like he was being thrown into the deep end of the pool to see if he would sink or swim.

Now, I am not talking about the little minor things. I’m talking about the big stuff. Children are still learning to navigate many cultural and social norms at such an age. It seems right for them to ask for guidance and have resolutions modeled for them to use as an anchor point for developing their solutions.

I have always believed that children should “talk to a grownup” when they encounter something challenging to sort out. I have encouraged it. Presenting a child with this structure sends the message from a young age that it is all right to ask for assistance. I don’t believe that it supersedes their decision-making process. On the contrary, it shows them how to take apart a problem and better identify solutions.

It bothers me when I hear the words, “Stop tattling.” It sends a message to children that can turn a request for help into a judgment upon them for seeking that help.

It leaves children confused about having to sort through when they ask for assistance and whether it is right to ask for help. I worry that the refrain of “Don’t tattle” becomes intrinsically integrated as, “I’m going to be judged negatively if I bring this up, so maybe I shouldn’t!”

Of course, as kids get older, they are expected to resolve issues independently and use their growing reason and maturity to figure out practical solutions to problems. But some situations can feel complicated or embarrassing to children, and as they grow, they developmentally lose the desire to share things with their parents and tell their struggles to their friends instead. This is a natural progression, but the weight of feeling judged still exists whether they disclose it to a parent or a friend.

If we teach our children that bringing forth information that they are wrestling with internally is a negative thing, will they feel as free to open up?

Are we leaving them with the sense that they should bear the burden of weighing whether to get help because they’ll be poorly evaluated if they do so? I fear that this leads to the burden of silence. What are the consequences of that?

My daughter was recently at a birthday party, where a handful of girls from her school approached her and told her that they were better than her at ice skating, continually asking her whether she was aware of that. This happened throughout the party, and my daughter managed it herself with verbal comebacks.

But when I came to pick her up, she spoke with me about how awful it made her feel and how much it bothered her that they kept making it a point to put her down. I asked why she didn’t tell the parents hosting the party, as I know they would have interceded to help. She responded, “I thought they would feel like I was tattling, and it would make a big deal and spoil the party.”

I was flabbergasted that this was her impression and that getting help in this instance was viewed as a possible negative judgment of her instead of the girls doing the bullying. I was sorry that she had sat with that internal conflict the whole duration of the party instead of just speaking up the moment it was happening. Instead, she was busy wrestling with herself to see if it was appropriate to say anything.

This type of thinking scares me. I don’t want my children to hesitate to seek help.

I am a full-grown mother of three who still needs to go to the various pillars in my life to talk through conflicts or issues that I am dealing with. Why should children have to have it together and deal with everything on their own?

Most people hope that, as their children grow up and individuate, they will bring their problems to their parents or other trusted adults as a way of sharing the burden and not feeling completely alone in the process if that is the message from the beginning, if the resounding affirmation is, “Yes! You can bring me your problems, and I will listen without judging and guide you in figuring out the most comfortable solution.”

Children should know that they don’t have to question the need for help and that it is not shameful to get help, even if there are implications for someone else.

The balance that must be struck is that they don’t sacrifice themselves on the altar of social appropriateness and stay silent when they shouldn’t benefit from someone else. Still, they are also judicious in using that voice because words have power. My children know that when they bring up an issue, they do it from the truth of their perspective, and we figure out together which direction to take from there.

The value of having a voice, especially at a young age, is a crucial investment, providing a counterpoint to fear. “Telling” should cease being used interchangeably with “tattling” because that label changes everything.

Let’s instead encourage our children to learn to use their discretion to talk about what they deem important, and let’s place value in what they are saying. And for goodness’ sake, if they ask for help, why in the world would we judge that and diminish them for it? Let’s consider the messages in our communications to our children, especially during their most vulnerable and formative years.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below!