I’m learning to love again. So, do we call it a first date or a meetup? Where should we go? Do we put a time limit on it or make sure we pick a place that won’t encourage us to stay long? These are all questions that run through our minds.
So, let’s start with you. What makes you more comfortable? What would you ideally want to do? Choose it. If it works, it works. If not, then it’s a lesson learned. We tend to put more emphasis on the details rather than the date itself.
From my experiences, I find that going with my gut works for me. It doesn’t mean that this guy is necessarily “the one,” it just means that I feel comfortable. Meeting at a restaurant, coffee shop, or even going for a walk are all experiences that would be enjoyable for me. If you aren’t comfortable in a certain setting during a date, why set yourself up for failure? Pick a place and a time that works for you. Encourage your date to be open and honest about what works for them. Then, go from there.
In these discussions, you can determine whether you are compatible. Can you navigate various choices while honoring your own needs? Can the other person consider your feelings and empathize? Observing how someone responds to a difference in opinion is also very telling. Is it a dealbreaker?
As a therapist, I often find that people ignore their own needs to avoid conflict. By doing this continuously, you can become more of a people-pleaser by putting your wants and needs to the side. This can cause resentment to build and manifest as distress in a relationship. On the flip side, if someone can’t acknowledge their partner’s feelings or consider them when making decisions, it is a serious red flag.
What do you have to lose by expressing yourself? However, the stakes are detrimental in doing the opposite. I am not saying to throw caution to the wind but be mindful of your delivery. Here is an incredible tool my mom taught me when I was younger that I utilize personally and professionally. It is called the “sandwich approach.”
The sandwich approach involves identifying the positives, addressing the barriers, and providing a resolution that could work for all. Here is a case study example.
John and Amy are meeting for the first time after two weeks of conversations through phone calls and text messages. They connected on a dating app. John is in finance and a chef, while Amy is a teacher.
John proposes meeting for drinks at a local restaurant near his apartment, which Amy has been eager to try. However, she feels hesitant about the location, worrying that it might lead to expectations of returning to his place afterward. She opts for the sandwich approach in her response to handle this situation.
Amy says, “I’ve heard such amazing reviews about that restaurant. Great idea! I love trying new food. I can’t stay too late since I have work early in the morning.”
John replies,” That’s okay. We can have a drink, and if you want, I can show you my incredible kitchen and make dessert for us.”
To set her boundaries, Amy responds,” Thanks for the offer! I bet your desserts are amazing. I’m uncomfortable returning to your place; I hope you understand. But I will take you up on that offer in the future.”
John’s response to Amy will indicate his intentions. She has communicated her boundaries respectfully while still being open to future possibilities. If John respects her boundaries, it showcases healthy communication and negotiation. This mutual understanding allows the relationship to build comfortably, providing a foundation for potential growth.
However, If John chooses to push her boundaries or tries to persuade her otherwise, it may reveal his true intentions. It’s important for both parties to feel secure and aligned in their expectations, especially concerning attraction and physical intimacy. Once their comfort levels are established, they can nurture a burgeoning relationship. Sexual attraction is healthy when both parties feel comfortable and have identified that they are both on the same page.
