Honestly, friends, I’m worried. I help mothers with their worries as my job, but therapists are people, too. And this therapist is a mom of two elementary-school-aged kids who is worried about how being chronically online might impact them.
There’s definitely no one right way to raise kids in this digital world. And I’m not here to encourage us all to totally sign off from social media – it can be an amazing way to connect, keep up, and network with personal and professional contacts. But when I read that tweens (kids aged 8 to 12) and teens (aged 13 to 18) use screens for more than 5.5 or 8.5 hours each day or hear that excessive social media use is linked to problems with mental health, academic performance, sleep, physical health, and real-life connections, I worry.
I truly feel we are all in this parenting thing together. So, I’m sharing some strategies I’ve learned to keep our kids safe (physically, mentally, and otherwise) online.
1. Talk
Talk to your kids about what you are doing on your phone (looking up the weather or checking on today’s carpool) and on your computer (answering a work email or sending a happy birthday message to your third cousin on Facebook). This will demonstrate that you are using your time online or in front of screens for a purpose.
Talk to them about what a digital footprint is – as in, don’t put anything on the internet or even in a text message that could be misinterpreted or later used against you. Talk to them about what is and should be kept private, how their body is their own, and how they should come to you if anyone ever makes them feel uncomfortable or asks them for private things online.
“These are not just one-and-done conversations,” encourages Lindsay Lieberman, a mom of two and a DC-based trauma-informed attorney licensed in New York, New Jersey, and Rhode Island; she specializes in supporting child and adult victims of online sex crimes like revenge porn, sextortion, and harassment or assault. “Having small conversations frequently – starting when they are young – is key to enforcing the messages you want.”
It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and make your child feel like they won’t be in trouble if they have questions or even mess up online. “We don’t want our kids to feel like they have to hide things from us; rather, we want them to learn from us,” Lindsay says.
There are good guidelines for online safety conversations based on age group, including guidance from Devorah Heitner, author of two books on parenting and technology (Growing up in Public: Coming Of Age In A Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World). Meanwhile, platforms like Less Awkward provide resources for talking to your kids about sometimes difficult issues like bodily autonomy, consent, and social connections.
2. Model Behavior
You can’t just talk the talk; you also have to walk the walk. This may mean putting your phone away at the dinner table or reading from an actual book or e-reader rather than an app on your phone. Consider creating a family media plan, an agreement in which everyone in the family feels like a stakeholder. Also, taking a walk, being outdoors, and socializing IRL are usually much healthier than scrolling.
Model behavior around consent, too. “No means no, and stop means stop – so even if you’re innocently tickling your kid and they’re laughing, if they say either, you must listen to them,” Lindsay suggests. “As soon as your child can say yes or no, ask them whether you can take a photo of them before you do so,” she adds. “It can be challenging because we love taking pictures of our kids, but think about the benefits of empowering them to understand their autonomy.” And, even if your kid consents, consider sharing the photo online, especially if it might one day be embarrassing (potty training pics may not be cute forever).
3. Don’t Be In Denial
I know this can be a challenging topic for many reasons. But Lindsay and I both firmly believe that parents must be educated as much as possible about the risks to kids so that we can get prepared. “Parents are often in denial,” Lindsay observes. “They think, ‘There is nothing we can do, it’s just life now,’ or ‘Nothing will happen to my family.’” But things that happen online can have profoundly harmful effects and shouldn’t be accepted.
And these things do happen, even in Westchester County. Just a few months ago, a local school administrator was arrested and charged for extorting a teen to end sexually explicit materials via social media apps; then-District Attorney Mimi Rocah released the following statement while encouraging any other victims to come forward for help: “‘Pressuring and threatening people for content that is sexual in nature, also known as “sextortion,” is increasingly directed at our youth and is a crime. My Office is on standby to offer support and assistance to victims and families while our investigation continues.’”
Kids are naturally curious and have impulses to experiment. And, of course, because they are children and inherently vulnerable, they can be targets of anything from cyberbullying to sex abuse from people of all ages. So we have to teach them what well-vetted sources of information are and what the consequences of certain behaviors are (for example, possessing or sharing a photo of a nude minor can be considered a sex abuse material crime). We must teach them about compassion, kindness, and critical thinking.
“The app age restrictions and parental permission settings are not very reliable,” Lindsay advises. “And even if screens are limited in your own house, don’t assume your kids don’t need to know about internet safety. They will get access somehow, like at a friend’s home. They should learn from a trusted adult or parent about what is safe and right so that they can make good decisions.”
4. Collaborate with Your Community
Like I said, I think we are all in this together. We have to discuss these issues with each other, school professionals, law enforcement, and other community leaders and members by the time our kids are in elementary school.
There are many good resources to help us navigate this new territory. The DA, in collaboration with local nonprofit My Sisters’ Place and the U.S. Attorney’s Office (Southern Division of NY), offers a free webinar on keeping minors safe from the dangers of online sexual predators. Some local communities have signed up for the Wait Until 8th pledge (a commitment to delay giving children a smartphone until at least the end of 8th grade).
Experts like Kara Alaimo, author of Over the Influence: Why Social Media is Toxic for Women and Girls – And How We Can Take It Back, regularly present training to educators, camp directors, counselors, and kids on how to safely use social media and screens. She recently spoke alongside Lindsay for a webinar for OK to Delay (a movement to protect middle schoolers from the harmful effects of smartphones and social media), addressing critical issues, including creating a safer digital environment at home and steps to take if something happens to your child. IRL NY (a movement based in Rye that is rallying our community to take childhood offline and into real life) is hosting a screening of Childhood 2.0 (a documentary for parenting in the digital age in Mamaroneck on March 26).
