Did you see what she wore to that party? Did you see me make that shot, Mom? Did you see where they went on vacation? Did you see me draw my picture, Mama? Did you see they were hanging out?
What are we seeing when we spend so much time on social media? What are our children thinking when they see us constantly looking at our phones? What are we not seeing — what are we missing? What is social media’s impact on mental health?
I’ve been thinking a lot about social media detoxes. I’ve been limiting my own social media use for a while after recognizing that scrolling was taking up many hours of my too-busy days and not even making me feel good. But I don’t mean to sound sanctimonious. I know social media isn’t all bad. It can lead to business opportunities and beautiful connections. It can help you keep in touch with old friends, faraway family, or new people in your networks. It might feel fun. It may even be the reason you’re reading this.
I started to wonder, though, if I tended to feel icky while using Instagram – and I am a mental health professional and a grown-up – what about others? What about kids?
In my therapy practice, I counsel many young women in their 20s. They are often anxious about who is posting what and when. They place a lot of their self-worth on the number of likes and followers they have and whether their friends make collages celebrating their birthdays.
The women I work with in their 30s and 40s are not too different. And when they are moms, they tend to feel inferior or excluded when engaging in social media self-comparison for themselves and their kids. They feel pressure to write messages to their not-yet-literate children on their birthdays and to get the perfect family photo with an idyllic background.
Many women I know feel a sense of urgency to post at a certain time for an audience they can’t quite articulate and a compulsive need to regularly check what’s happening on the internet. Their sleep is negatively affected by their phone use.
I look at these women with empathy and without judgment. Aren’t our mental loads heavy enough already? Together, we work on cognitive behavioral strategies to alleviate these feelings, but it’s clear that social media is contributing to their stress.
And children often feel stressed when it comes to social media use, too. I recently spoke at the Nassau County BOCES Mental & Behavioral Health Services Summit on Influenced Minds: Exploring the Impact of Social Media and Phone Use on Childhood Development and Mental Wellness. Fellow panelists included author Kara Alaimo (“Over the Influence: How Social Media is Toxic for Women and Girls — And How We Can Take it Back”) and research scientist Zach Rausch, who works with Jonathan Haidt (author of “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,” and a graduate of Scarsdale High School).
With an audience of hundreds of local superintendents, school counselors, other faculty, and parents, we talked about how American kids as young as eight are spending an average of more than five hours a day on screens and how young teenagers (who on average spend more than three hours a day on social media) are at higher risk of depression and anxiety than prior cohorts who lacked access to such technology.
I believe that we all must keep talking. I don’t have all the answers to these very significant problems, and I certainly don’t believe that there is one approach all families or communities must adopt. But I know our kids and fellow adults struggle with too much social media use. I see it.
So, next time you’re scrolling, ask yourself how it makes you feel. Consider limiting yourself to a certain number of minutes or time of day to do so if that would make you feel better. When catching up with friends, notice how much time is spent gossiping about other people based on what you see on social media, which you know is a mere (literal) snapshot of someone’s life. Consider sharing resources like the podcast episode about children and screen time recently released by my friend Dr. Sarah Bren of Pelham-based Upshur Bren Psychology Group.
If you rely on your phone for everything from the alarm clock to work emails to arranging carpools, like I admittedly do, explain to your kids what you’re using your phone for when your eyes are on it. Consider creating a family media plan in which you put devices away at mealtime, for example, or spend a bit of time outdoors without your phone.
