Did I Lose the Spark?

I used to take pride in planning birthday parties, anniversaries, family vacations, surprise parties, weekend getaways, and weekend outings for my family. It was my thing. I enjoyed it, and my family appreciated it. They counted on me for entertainment and fun. I even planned my own birthday.

I was fine with it until I wasn’t.

Over time, the effort I put into making everyone’s special day even more special and magical drained me. I always strived to achieve that coveted “Exceeding Expectations” feedback.

I turned 40, and suddenly, I became rebellious. I refused to plan my own birthday celebration. Instead, I made it known that someone else needed to plan something, and I wanted an “Exceeding Expectations” experience just for myself, for once. They delivered. I was happy. I got to experience what it felt like to be catered to and celebrated.

But it didn’t stop there. Moving forward, I found that I lost the spark altogether. It wasn’t just my birthday that I didn’t want to plan. I lost interest in planning everything.

I started to go with the flow regarding celebrations, with minimum to no effort. I don’t know if my age caused me to lose my passion, or maybe I just felt depressed. Perhaps it was because my kids got older or I changed.

I don’t like it. It feels wrong. Did I stop caring? I realized this change when my youngest excitedly asked me, “What are you planning for my birthday?” To my horror, I realized I hadn’t even thought about it. It was a milestone birthday; she was turning thirteen. My baby was becoming a teenager. How did it slip my mind?

Usually, I’d be at least two months in preparation; everything would have been planned, ordered, reservations made, etc. It was one month before her birthday, and I had nothing.

I didn’t even have time to feel guilty. My old planning mode kicked in. Thankfully, I managed to get everything she wanted done quickly. Still, I wasn’t in the spirit.

I was functioning on autopilot, just trying to save a situation and make things right. I lost the spark. It felt like falling out of love with someone. I feel guilty but helpless. It is what it is. What can I do? I loved doing something, and then I just stopped caring.

I told my husband that I needed a reality check, “I think I lost the spark. Remember when I used to go all out for everyone’s birthdays and special occasions? Well, I don’t feel like doing this anymore. I lost it, whatever it was, and I feel bad.” He (maybe trying to comfort me) said, “Maybe you overdid it before, and now you are just being normal.” I didn’t buy it.

It’s been over a month, and I constantly think about it. What happened to me? Will I ever get my spark back, or do I need to try and light a new fire?

Can anyone relate?