I’m not going to bore you by going on and on about all the ways motherhood has changed me. You won’t hear me erupt with emotions about having found a pure, true love, or the new capacity for the love I have. I won’t tell you about the depths of my exhaustion or how I think I’ll never feel “rested” again. I’ve found I’m no longer squeamish about bodily fluids or functions, but I’m guessing I probably don’t need to mention that either.
Whether or not we actually experience these changes once motherhood takes hold of us with its all-encompassing grip is an entirely different story. But it seems safe to say that the world expects these changes to occur. It is a new love. It is consuming, day and night, physically and emotionally, in and out.
“Mother” is a title we gain and can never lose. And with that new moniker comes a host of changes, not just the expected, and, while no one’s experiences can match another’s, we all feel the impact of some change.
Motherhood has changed me. I’m not who I was. And I don’t think I’ll bounce back.
It’s not just that these circles under my eyes will never go away. Or that the grey literally sprouting in my hair as I write this won’t suddenly regain its original hue. Nope. It’s deeper.
I have been changed in ways I wasn’t ready for. Some are dark and eat at me, forcing my pulse to race with fear or rage. Some are empowering. Some are exhausting. And some changes just are. But none of these are changes I can shake.
1. My Patience Is Gone
There was a time when I would happily sit around and listen to a second and third run through of the same story that was told to me minutes before. I’d sit quietly behind a car stopped more than a few seconds at a just-turned green light, pleasantly expecting the driver to look up any second, realize, and mosey on through. But, welp, just not happening anymore. I get too few moments between driving here and there and picking up this, signing that, and cooking more, just to let those moments slip by in feigned interest in a story I’m experiencing for the fourth time around.
I need to consolidate those minutes, so, at the end of the day, I have a whole stretch of ten or fifteen minutes when I can do my own thing without also being so tired I sit still, staring, struggling to stay awake, and squandering those precious moments and shaming myself for not actually doing more than shaming myself for not doing anything.
2. I Fear Death
This isn’t so usual. People fear death. I mean, I feared death before I had children. But it’s different now. The fear is different. I fear for my children’s sake. Sure, I’m lucky: they would be fine with adequate support in place. But, still, I worry about how they will feel. What would my daughter do when she needs to talk to me? Who would know how each little person likes their sandwiches cut? No one would tell them there is more love for them than there is sky.
So, I am more cautious than I ever was, especially with myself. I won’t just let that pain in my side go unchecked for weeks as it slowly gets worse. Exercise doesn’t happen just because I want to fit into last year’s clothes. Motherhood has made me value my life because those little people value it so.
3. Small Talk Is Easy
There was a time when I could only really make small talk with the help of a glass of wine or two. But, for a myriad of reasons, I can’t go around to mom groups with a glass of wine or two stashed in my bag (at least not until they get to know me).
This means just getting by on the ability actually to make small talk. At first, it was hard. There were a lot of discussions on the weather, being tired, and Target’s dollar spot. Now, it’s much easier just to let my mom’s small talk flow. I think it’s that whole practice makes perfect, blah, blah, blah thing.
4. I Am On Time
This is a blatant lie. I have never been on time in my life. But before I had little people, I didn’t really make much effort to be on time, especially if it was of little consequence. If I were meeting a group of friends for drinks, even with my best efforts, I’d still be twenty minutes late. But I would be less than troubled by this, knowing my friends were safely engaged in relaxing without me.
Now though? I get it. Time is a commodity. I don’t want other people to think I don’t value or respect their time. The thing is, now that I have little people, I cannot be on time. Ever. I plan an extra ten minutes, then twenty. I arrange the night before. Still, at the last minute, a shoe is lost, a glass of water is spilled, a diaper is dirty, and a tantrum is thrown—usually all at once. So, I’m hoping to be on time someday. I get it now. But there are serious forces against me here.
5. Traveling Gives Me Anxiety
We are a traveling family. Car, plane, weekend, or weeks. We do it, and we’ve never shied away from it. We’ve taken our kids across the globe, across the country, across the state, and down the street. I’m proud to say that motherhood hasn’t impacted that. But an aspect of travel has infiltrated: traveling alone with my husband.
I know it’s irrational, but I get stomach-churning anxiety when we are in a car or a plane without our littles. And this is directly related to the fear of death I have let creep into my peripheral. I don’t want both my husband and me to face the same risks at the same time. They need us, so one of us must always be safe, protected. Now, yes, I push through this. Because I have to. Because fear and anxiety can’t be the rule of the land, but they are still there. Sitting like a hard ball in the bottom of my stomach.
6. I Am a Morning Person
I mean, where do I begin here? No, I don’t get up before my children wake and get myself ready. I don’t get to sit in the silence and sip my warm cup of coffee before little feet come cascading through the house. But oh, I want to. I seriously want to.
Before my first was born, I had to work hard to make it to work by 10:30 a.m. And it wasn’t because I had a long commute. I was just up all night, devouring books, playing Rock Band on Wii, and watching House Hunters International. If the clock said 10:00 p.m., it seemed like I still had hours and hours to tie up all the day’s loose ends.
Once I had that beautiful little girl, I realized that the world actually starts to exist well before 10:00 a.m. And the feeling of having accomplished all of the day’s tasks before the sun set? It was life-changing. Now I find myself panicking once it hits noon and bemoaning how “late” it is. So, while I am not necessarily a morning person, I don’t think I can ever feel accomplished again when I still have a three-mile-long “to do” list at 9 p.m.
7. No Hangover Is Worth It
I may like to have some wine now and again, but I do not enjoy it as much once the sun has set. I can claim this new view has to do with growing three children in my body. Or the years of extreme moderation because of breastfeeding. But, frankly, I get tired. Too tired to do much beyond just collapsing into bed.
The balance to this, of course, is that I drink enough to make me feel a bit giddy, and then I find the giggly energy to stay awake for a while, exhausting my body until I can barely crawl into my bed. The problem here is that the next day never feels good, even when a sweet toddler crawls on top of my spleen demanding kisses. I don’t get pulled from my position in the parenting field when I’m injured. I still have to stay committed to the game and make multiple plays. That hurts. And it just isn’t worth the pain.
8. I Am Stronger than I Knew
I’ve always been proud of my ability to get things done. If there were a deadline, I would meet it. My house? Not a thing out of place. Each knick and each knack shone to perfection, gleaming with a warm welcome. But then I had a little one, and it got a bit tougher. Along came another little person and a bigger house (because we all know that squeezing a bunch of little people and their belongings into a tiny city apartment is painful to say the least). Then another little person, and guess what happened?
And it’s not just keeping a house clean or a family fed. It’s not just hitting all the deadlines or remembering who gets signed up for swimming lessons on which days. It’s the mental load that motherhood brings: schedules, doctor’s appointments, school events, snacks, play dates, activities, RSVPing, garbage day, new clothes, uniforms, tantrums, shoe tying, potty training, flossing… It’s everything for everyone. But the thing is, no matter how hectic it gets or feels, or how frustrated I may be, I can do it. Because, honestly, I have to. And once in a while, I have to stop and pat myself on the back.
9. My Mother is Amazing
I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve always had a connection with my mother. She knows more about me than any human I’ve ever had the privilege of bumping into. Sure, we have our disagreements. (I mean, we’re family, that’s par for the course, right?). But the thing is, I don’t remember her struggling to balance her day to day life with raising my brother and I. I remember delicious dinners, a warm, safe house, and a feeling of being listened to and loved. And I never saw her crack.
10. I Ask for Help
Motherhood is tough. Sometimes it’s so tough you don’t really shake it. After my tiniest little came, I was broken. Not at first, though. I remember telling everyone that bringing home the third baby was much easier for me than bringing home my second. And it was. Until it wasn’t.
You change schedules, you change jobs, you change houses, you change towns, you change cars, you change sizes, you change friends, you change health, you change priorities. You change everything when you become a mother.
Thankfully, some of these changes are temporary. But one thing isn’t: you will always be a mother. And I, for one, will not bounce back from this thing called motherhood. Really, though, that’s just fine with me.
