I watch my son zip around our yard on his ride-on ‘ATV,’ weaving in and out of our swing set, bounce house, and pool. Okay, the pool is one of those one-step-up from a kiddie pool with the filter we all seem to have purchased during the pandemic, but given that we don’t have an in-ground pool like some of our neighbors and my kids are still little, it works. He cuts the wheel to avoid the playhouse, backs up when he almost hits the garden beds, and I kindly ask him to slow down as he goes around the firepit.
Our yard looks like so many others in our area. It’s filled with many toys and amenities my husband and I dreamed of having when we were little, but our families couldn’t afford them.
And it concerns me. By all means, I’m not complaining that we can provide some of the luxuries. And I’m not even going to pretend we are now opting for a minimalistic life and tossing it all. But I can’t help but wonder when my son complains his bounce house is “too boring” (that actually happened) whether I’m doing a disservice by living in our bubble and at least somewhat trying to keep up with the Joneses.
We’ll never be able to afford some of the things certain peers can. We are comfortable enough financially and recognize we have it pretty darn good compared to most people, but there are no private jets or Rolls-Royces in our future. We don’t have a house manager or an executive assistant. I don’t know that we’ll ever be spending copious amounts of time on the Amalfi Coast, and if we do, we won’t be on our own yacht.
Winters won’t be spent in Aspen, and summers won’t be spent at our summer retreat in the Hamptons. And if this all sounds ludicrous, well, clearly, you’ve never been to Westchester.
I’m not criticizing those who can afford it. You do you! I’d love to be able to have it all. I mean, yes, people actually have those things in my community, i.e., I’m not exaggerating. But for the sake of relatability, you can substitute those luxuries with any other lifestyle goals people strive for in your area.
Maybe it is an inground pool. Maybe it is a new car. Maybe it is a yearly vacation that isn’t to see family. Maybe it is being able to fly on an airplane, something most of my school peers growing up in Boston had never done.
The what is less important than the why. In my case, I want my kids to have things I wish I had when I was little, and keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads was my parents’ primary goal.
It is wanting my kids to not feel out of place when they walk into school like I did when we finally could afford to move from the city to a wealthy northern suburb of Boston and couldn’t afford a closet full of designer clothing and a playroom full of the season’s hottest toys.
I didn’t fully grasp that having even a few brand-name things or living in a community like we did, was a hard-won victory for my parents. And yet that same desire to see my kids fit in is constantly at odds with my desire to see them grow up humble. They are too young to understand how good they have it, as it should be in an ideal world.
I don’t want my young kids to know what struggling is. But I worry, in a community of excess, what my own desire to give my kids at least some of the luxuries will do. Will they want more? Inevitably. Will they appreciate what they were given when they are grown and look back? I sure hope so.
I try not to be that parent. The one who values toys and flashy experiences rather than focusing on character and modesty. But around these parts, it is hard; especially when even our best fails to keep up with some of my kids’ friends, and a privileged lifestyle seems to be considered a matter of morality by certain community members.
I don’t really want to keep up with the Joneses. What I want is happy, well-adjusted kids. How do we do that? Lots of effort, and more so, actually caring about how our choice impacts them (I think?). For now, I guess we’ll have to be content, knowing it is all a journey toward finding balance.
We will strive to help our kids be worldly and compassionate at each age and stage. Whether through volunteerism, working a job in high school, our faith, or prioritizing activities outside our bubble, we’ll continue seeking opportunities to help our children know the world isn’t just what they see outside their front door. Only time will tell whether that will be enough.
You read my mind, I refused to move to another neighborhood other than my current town. We are a Hispanic family and my children are first generation here in the USA. Thankfully, we do economically ok and we can provide our children international vacations, restaurant experiences, museum experiences and many things our parents couldn’t give us. I want my children to be aware that there are people that might have more things than them and some less. We tried not to buy them new toys, I get toys from free groups on FB or even give them certain amount of cash that the can use in Tag Sales. My plan is making sure they do community service, that they enjoy helping others.
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