As a single mom raised by a single mom, I’ve learned a lot about what not to do when co-parenting. So, I’ve waited a long time to write this post out of fear. Fear that it would disrupt a mostly amicable relationship with my son’s dad. That said, I trust all readers to see this for what it is: a call for help. How can I raise my son to be a great man when his father isn’t one?
Let me get this out of the way: my son’s dad cheated on me when I was pregnant. I felt I needed to say this because I’ve written about the subject before, and it’s not what this post is about, but it started to change my perception of him.
I no longer thought he could be a good partner to me, but I wholeheartedly believed he could be a good dad and help raise my son. It wasn’t until recently that I started to examine those two definitions and, admittedly, judge them as parts of a whole man instead of separately.
My son is in second grade but already has the attitude of a teenager. He grits his teeth when he’s mad and recently acquired the phrase, “Oh, come on!” whenever something doesn’t go his way. So, things like getting him to do homework, clean up after himself, or listen are difficult these days. A few weeks ago, my son returned from a weekend at his dad’s with only one poorly written sentence for homework. The written instructions and samples I sent all required at least two sentences answering two questions. I asked him what happened. He said Dad told him that’s all he had to do.
I texted Dad, asking why it wasn’t done “right.”
“If you don’t like the way I do it, you can just do it yourself.”
I know how difficult homework is with a struggling learner, so I felt some empathy. However, I tried to explain to Dad that our son needed to see everyone in his life, support his learning, and have high expectations for his work.
Dad disagreed. He couldn’t explain why but held his ground anyway, reiterating that I could do it myself if I didn’t like how he did something. This reminded me of all the other times in my son’s life when things were hard, and I was alone.
Financially, I was solely responsible.
I remember calling from the pharmacy once, crying because I didn’t have the $150 for a prescription my son needed. I asked Dad to help. He couldn’t. He thought the 1/10th of my monthly rent he gave was enough and assured me it was all he could do. I believed it might have been all he could afford, but it certainly wasn’t enough and didn’t cover things like prescription deductibles. So, I took a second job and asked my family for help—something Dad could have done but didn’t.
Emotionally, I was also in it alone.
When my son struggled in school and at home with his anger, I asked Dad for help. He offered to FaceTime (something he does maybe once a month) and “talk some sense” into him. I agreed, and Dad told my son he needed to stop being a “bad boy” and said he didn’t want to hear from me again about him being “bad” or else… I quickly hung up and then began to research counselors. We went for over a year, and things improved, but Dad remained the same.
From the outside looking in, I boiled Dad’s “problem” down to a lack of persistence in the face of adversity. When things got hard, I saw him give up. I could see this in jobs he’d lost, dreams he’d given up on, relationships he couldn’t stick with, and how he dealt with our son.
He loves the fun aspects of being a dad and the tough parts he gives up on.
A few years ago, after I’d been dating as a single mom for a while, I received advice that changed my world.
I was told that I should never date a man I wouldn’t be proud of having as a son.
I am disappointed when I look at Dad and picture my son turning out just like him. I don’t want my son to turn out like me, either. I want him to be better than both of us. But I seem to be the only one trying to get him there. I can teach him to learn from my mistakes, but I can’t teach him to be a man. That’s Dad’s job, and I don’t see him doing it.
You don’t need to raise a Great Man. Instead, focus on raising a great person. Point out the people who do great things, male and female. Teach him decency and respect for all. Things like chivalry are really just good manners. In this world we live in of redefined gender norms, society has finally started to realize that we are more alike than we are different. A Great Person, raised by a Great Mom. It looks like you’re already doing just fine.