No invitation, no new shoes, and no complaints. The wedding invitation I didn’t receive might have been the plot twist my calendar was hoping for.
“He’s getting married,” my friend told me.
Before I could congratulate her, she continued, “and you’re not invited.”
“Wonderful news about the wedding. I can’t wait to hear all about it,” I replied. And that was that: no hurt feelings, no waiting for an invitation that wouldn’t arrive. I could and would revel in her joy from afar.
Seems normal to me, but apparently it is not. Complaints about being excluded from events are a pretty common issue. As an extreme example, the New York Post shared a story about a woman who was not invited to a co-worker’s wedding and filed a complaint with human resources, claiming it created a hostile work environment. Closer to home was a social media contact upset about not being invited to an event, asking if she was right.
My response was no, unless she was singled out for exclusion. Much like my rules for the kids’ birthday parties, you don’t invite ‘everyone but…’ No matter how horrible you (or your kid) think he is. It is unkind, particularly to children, even if you think they won’t find out, because they will. It always comes out.
As for the wedding I wasn’t invited to, I’m not upset to be excluded, though I don’t think of it as exclusion. Weddings are expensive, the couple to be married wants their friends (not their parents’), and expanding a guest list can make an event unwieldy. In reality, while the groom spent his childhood in my home, we’re no longer close, even though his mother and I remain friends.
And if you’re being honest, there’s the “do you really want to go, or do you just want to be invited” question. Don’t wish for what you don’t want.
Did I desire to drive six hours on a holiday weekend to Vermont to stand on a mountaintop? Or figure out appropriate ensembles for the three days of activities? Fortunately, those aren’t questions I had to answer. But if it’s Paris, expect me to be there.
Nor is the fretting over “invite or no invite” exclusive to the guests-to-be. It can be just as stressful for the inviter. Do you tell someone there’s a wedding and they will not be on the guest list? Or hope the situation will be swept under the nuptial aisle? It’s a tough call, and one I confess to punting on, for people not in my daily life. Was it right or wrong? I still don’t know.
A dear friend felt so bad about not inviting me to her son’s wedding that she repeatedly told me how much she wished it were otherwise. As appreciated as her words were, I didn’t give the situation a second thought. She, however, did. And when the opportunity arose to include me at the last minute, it turned out that I never could have gone; I had a conflicting commitment booked a year earlier. All that worrying for nothing.
