I don’t know if it’s just me or if all moms feel this way, but I always feel guilty. A mom’s guilt never leaves me, no matter what.
I always feel like I’m not doing enough for my children. I think that I let them down somehow. I find myself personalizing their struggles and feeling like whatever they are going through must be because of me. It must be my own failure.
Since becoming a mom, I’ve had this guilt. It became part of who I am—the never-good-enough mom. I was determined to be the total opposite of my own mom. I wanted to be the mom I wish I had.
I established a strong bond with my two children. I listen to them and embrace them for who they are, no questions asked. I never ask them to perform a certain way at school or get certain grades, and I make it clear that my love for them is unconditional and that I will always be there for them, no matter what.
I advocate for them, look out for them, and rescue them whenever they are in a bad situation with school, friends, or finances. I try not to be overprotective or overly strict with them. I allow them to struggle a little before I offer to help. After all, I don’t want them to be too dependent on me.
There are moments when I think I am doing a good job, but there are also those dreadful moments when I feel I failed. I do get conflicted feelings from time to time. Like any human being, I can mess up sometimes.
I miserably fail no matter how hard I try to shield them from negative experiences. I know very well that they must struggle a little to grow into the humans they are meant to be. Despite that knowledge, I still blame myself and experience a mom’s guilt.
And sometimes, kids are hard to please. Once, my older daughter criticized me for not being pushy and for not stressing about her getting higher grades, unlike other parents who push their kids to succeed. She said I was the reason she could only be mediocre instead of a total success.
She also claims I was too strict with her than her younger sister. Maybe I was. Who am I to discredit her perspective? But you see, no matter what you do, in their own experience, it might seem different.
In my mind, I always feel like I let them down somehow. They are everything I have, but still, I feel like I’m messing it up. I always think I should have been stricter in one situation or less strict in another. I should have taught them this value and insisted on them learning their mother tongue; the shoulds never end.
Lately, my younger daughter has been having a tough time with some physical and mental health concerns. Because of this, I’ve been putting everything else on the back burner for the past three months. I am taking her to several specialists, coordinating a care plan with her school, and trying to convince her to follow the doctors’ orders every single day. It took a tremendous toll on my mental health as well, thinking, what have I done wrong for all of this to happen? It must be me.
At the last meeting with the school officials, I was moved to tears when the school nurse told my daughter in front of me how lucky she is to have me as her mom and that I’ve done so much for the past few months to deserve at least praise and for her not to give me a hard time. I was deeply touched. Someone believes I’m a good mom! But in the back of my mind, I still doubt it.
I’ve heard my daughters’ friends say countless times how they wish I were their mom and how they find our home a safe haven. I still wish my daughters felt this way about me and our home.
