“At least…” According to the therapist moderator at a recent grief group gathering, these are the two words that a grieving person should not have to hear.
At least you still have your house.
At least your family lives close by.
At least your boys have you.
At least you don’t have to worry about working full-time.
I recently experienced the instant loss of my husband. The moderator mentioned that these two words have the power to invalidate the grief and the emotions that you or your loved ones might feel in the depth of loss. I never realized how many times I had heard phrases that began with those two words and would take a moment to discover the truth in them.
Why are these two words so powerful? In an instant, when used, they can make anyone feel almost guilty for expressing the depth of their emotions. In my case, I had to process the loss of my husband, but there are certain aspects of my situation that “aren’t as bad.”
In a recent conversation I had with my son, we were trying to put some of his concerns into perspective, and I found myself saying to him, ‘Well, the worst has happened to us, so let’s not let ourselves get so affected by this.’
When reflecting on this conversation, I was led to realize that I was invalidating his emotions by throwing the recent loss of his father as the biggest and maybe “only” letdown he should feel.
This realization sparked a conversation about children and their grieving process. For them, grief doesn’t always permeate itself at the forefront. In fact, many children don’t actively grieve, and if they do, it could be in small episodes where they experience a variety of emotions only to then almost act like nothing happened.
It’s in those moments that validation is most necessary, and the words “at least” shouldn’t be used at all. As hard as it might be, creating an emotional road path would be the best way to approach whatever issue they might be having without invalidating their feelings.
