Mental health awareness is so important as a mother.
Before I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, I was misdiagnosed with major depression for years. It wasn’t until my doctor asked me if I ever had periods of elevated mood, unusual feelings of enthusiasm, or happiness. He was describing how I felt at times; I said, “Yes, this is exactly what happens! I just thought I was feeling better.”
He was astonished. When he said the word Bipolar; I sank in my seat. Having heard about its notorious reputation my whole life, I was scared. I had so many questions.
I learned that Bipolar II Disorder is less severe than Bipolar I Disorder, although it is harder to diagnose and easier to miss. I also learned that it could manifest differently for everyone. While my hypomania episodes manifest in extreme happiness, cheerfulness, and hyperactivity, for others, it can be irritable moods, self-destructive behavior, and even self-harm.
I’m in remission now, another thing I didn’t think possible. I feel normal. Events proportionately affect me. I react to others and my thoughts and memories in an understandable way. My mind is clear. I’m able to perform my daily tasks with ease. I can focus better (well, sort of).
I feel sad and happy like any other person, but I don’t dwell on the negatives, blow things out of proportion, or exaggerate the way I think (of course, I don’t mean to do any of that when I’m depressed; it just happens).
But when I have it actively, I have long periods of depression. The depressive mood can last during a portion of the day, like right when I wake up or before I go to sleep, or even at random times during the day. It can also be present all day, every day, for weeks, and even months with decreased activities, a lack of interest in everything that I used to enjoy, and sleep disturbances.
But then there are those rosy, bright, happy days when I’m in a fantastic mood and everything seems possible. I feel like I can conquer the world and spread my positivity. During those short bursts of energy, I also need less sleep, and my mind races with ideas and thoughts. It’s like I’m trying to make up for those days lost to depression. The thing is, I like these periods; I thrive in them. The sad thing is they don’t last long.
Before my diagnosis, I thought those hypomania episodes were me getting back to normal. After the diagnosis, I was so confused for a long time that I couldn’t identify if my “good mood” were just me or another hypomania episode (I was supposed to keep track of my episodes).
How do I differentiate between the two? Did Bipolar Disorder take over my personality? Can I achieve what I can during hypomania on my own? Yes, it isn’t very clear, to say the least. And the answer so far is sadly NO; my normal self is nothing like my hypomania self.
Now that I’m in remission with a stable mood, I understand that when I do something positive like playing the drums, writing an article, or cleaning the house, I know it’s me doing those things and not being driven by a mysterious force.
The good thing about remission is that I don’t have this dark pit inside of me, but I miss my hypomanic self sometimes. She is fun, someone I’d like to get to know better. She is unstoppable, fearless, and creative. Too bad they both are inseparable; they must come together. Still, I will take a remission any day with open arms.
