For some, being a mom is easy, like smooth sailing on calm waters, but for others, the road is bumpy, rigid, gloomy, and fog-filled. There’s no guarantee that life as a mom will be as easy as pictures or movies portray it. A lot of stuff goes on behind the scenes that most don’t like to talk about.
Most moms shy away from sharing the truth. Being a mom is stressful, and this stress often leads to anxiety.
I know way more than I’d like to admit about stress and anxiety. I can speak of the stresses relating to anxiety as the mother of seven children and three grandchildren. From what I can recall, the stress began when I became a single mom of two elementary school-aged children and twin toddlers. Money was scarce, but that wasn’t the main problem. For me, the worst was feeling like there wasn’t enough time. This fear fueled my anxiety.
To understand anxiety, we must first examine stress. Stress is the body’s response to situations. There is good stress, and then there is bad stress. The fear of what the future will bring is anxiety. These responses and reactions can range from low to high intensity due to internal or external sources. They aren’t always interchangeable.
Not every stressful situation leads to anxiety.
Thinking back on the schedule that I created for myself, assuming it would help with time management, I realized it was the very thing that was causing my anxiety. Most of the time, I had a nanny. Their job was often to care for the twins during the day and the other two when they returned home from school.
I didn’t always have dependable childcare. My children often left our apartment before the nanny arrived, and I could not walk with them. Having to depend on public transportation to travel to and from work didn’t help either. Two things in my life were unpredictable and out of my control.
I could not explain to my employer that my nanny was late or didn’t show up, perhaps leading to me missing the bus. I didn’t like sharing my issues with anyone because I knew it was my responsibility to be on time. So, I always ensured that my children and I were up early, fed, and dressed before dawn.
At the time, I didn’t care about making my bed or putting away my makeup. I focused on my children and had to work to provide for them. I didn’t care whether I ate at home because I knew I could grab a cup of coffee and butter roll at the corner store and have it on the bus.
On a good day, I walked with my children to their bus stop and finished drinking and eating before boarding the first bus to my job as a receptionist. On a bad day, I’d put my makeup on when I arrived at work and had coffee from the free vending machine in the waiting room of the car dealership. It wasn’t long before I was able to finance a vehicle. Having a car didn’t make my life easier, but time was still an issue.
It was not having enough time in the day that drove my stress level and led to much unnecessary anxiety.
When I became a mother, I read parenting books and attended workshops at my children’s public school. I learned that having a schedule is helpful. I also learned that children like routine. So, knowing this helped to create a schedule for my children and nanny to follow. I used a large white paper board and drew a timeline, tapping it to the wall. It was sectioned in half-hour increments. I even included lunchtime, nap time, when to do homework, when to have a snack, and even when to watch television.
Most evenings, I was not home in time for dinner. To ensure that my children ate, I meal-prepped on Sundays so that the nanny would only have to reheat the food or make the starch, whether rice, pasta, or mashed potatoes if I hadn’t done it the night before.
Our home replicated school. Bedtime was at eight o’clock, and it was included in the schedule. After putting my children to bed and reading them bedtime stories, my eldest would spend a few extra minutes reading under the blanket with a flashlight not to disturb her sibling sleeping in their shared room.
My life was set on autopilot.
Saturdays were set for running errands and grocery shopping. Sundays, I did laundry, cleaned the three-bedroom apartment, and prepped meals. Fridays were family time. It’s when we would rent a movie and order food. I didn’t allow my children to eat unhealthy snacks except during our Friday family movie time. I’d purchase cookies, donuts, and potato chips. If we had the money, sometimes, I would get soda.
The routine I set for myself seemed excellent on paper. My family warned me about keeping such a tight grip, but it seemed to be working, and I thought I was stress-free by doing so.
I wasn’t. I became very agitated if I didn’t follow the schedule and became obsessed with having a neat and clean home.
I recall warning my children that after cleaning their rooms, I would sweep, mop, and discard anything that remained on the floor in the trash. It wasn’t something I only spoke of; I followed through with the threat. For a while, the only things that gave me solace were drinking caffeine throughout the day, smoking cigarettes, and my nightly routine of listening to smooth jazz music while having a glass of wine. This negative lifestyle caught up to me.
The schedule came off the wall when we moved, but it was already embedded in our family. I passed down the stress bug and anxiety monster to my kids.
Habits take time to form, and habits can be broken over time. I assigned them chores as my children grew, alleviating some of my stress. They learned how to help start dinner, wash and fold laundry, and clean the house.
It took a while, but now I can manage stress and anxiety, although occasionally, it resurfaces without warning. I no longer have bad habits or an unhealthy lifestyle. So now, when it resurfaces, I can identify the cause. I examine why it is present and whether the anxiety that may be attached is relevant or not. I no longer withhold my feelings and thoughts about my stresses, worries, and fears.
Daily exercises, including yoga, meditation, breathing, and tapping, help me combat stress and anxiety, which still visit my brain from time to time. I’m much better at implementing schedules and routines that include time to relax.
Being in the present moment, spending time in nature, journaling, and doing what I enjoy provide me peace and happiness. It is the only thing I focus on. I no longer need to have a clean house, grocery shop on a particular day of the week, or worry about being late on a bill. Thanks to autopay, I don’t even have to worry about being late.
