It can be hard to find ways to keep romance alive once kids arrive. I remember after giving birth to our daughter, telling my husband that we needed to find a babysitter so we could have regular date nights. He thought I was joking and replied, “Why do I have to date my wife?” I recall explaining how important it is that we not forget about our need for intimacy.
Often, couples focus too much on their child’s needs and interests, losing sight of their own needs and neglecting one another. Life can be mundane when managing family, home, and work, and we often forget to spend quality time with our partner.
Mornings are about entertaining and teaching children, afternoons are for naps and making important phone calls, and evenings are filled with baths and bedtime stories. Once children are asleep, we drag ourselves in front of a screen for distraction until we fall asleep and start the cycle all over again the next day.
As they age, we become immersed in their interests, whether it be sports, music, play dates, attending school, or community events. More often than not, we tend to compare our children’s schedules and accomplishments with those of other families, as if it’s a badge of honor.
Growing up, my parents didn’t have date night. I don’t recall my parents going out without either having me or one of my siblings with them. Grocery shopping was a family affair, as was everything else, but after my father’s passing in 1995, making my mother a widow in her mid-forties, I learned how important it was to keep romance alive in marriage. I knew from hearing her speak of being in love with my father, but wishing they had spent more time alone together, like they had early on in their marriage.
Some people are naturally great at being romantic, but for the majority of us, it’s not so easy. We have to do things on purpose. Plan and schedule it between soccer practice and doctor appointments. Mark it on the calendar so it’s official and show up just as we would any play date for our kids.
If we need to reschedule, so be it, but make romance a priority because it is! While you keep the romance alive in your relationship, your children will learn how to make time for self-care. It also shows them that their parents’ love for one another and value their relationship. It is a model that will provide the structure for their future relationships, both platonic and romantic.
So, where do you begin, you might ask? Well start today! Depending on your situation, you want to work with what is available to you. It should not be a once-a-month occasion. You may only have one day or a couple of hours together alone, but you certainly want to make romance a daily affair.
Throughout the day, you can text each other. Share positive memes. Leave love notes in their lunch box or on the coffee machine. I remember early on in our marriage, I would write love notes on the bathroom mirror with red lipstick, signing it with a print of my lips. While at work, I would send him photos of myself with messages stating that I missed him. I wanted him even though by most evenings we were usually too tired for sexual intercourse, but his responses acknowledging my feelings brightened my day and gave me a reason to continue. It was our way of foreplay. After twenty-two years, we still keep romance alive in our marriage the same way.
Another idea is to bring out the fine China dishes, cloth napkins, and candles to set the mood for romance. Even if the kids are home having dinner in the living room, watching their favorite movie or show, it allows us to have a moment to focus on one another. As parents, it can be hard to find conversation topics that don’t relate to our children, but that is not something we should necessarily shy away from. Although experts may discourage discussing the children, I believe that sometimes we reconnect with our spouse by discussing our children.
You’ll find that once you start to initiate romance, your spouse will follow your lead. They, too, need it just as much as we do. I recall learning about tantra sex. At first, I was timid about trying it with my husband. We are both open to sexual exploration, but I was not sure how he would feel about having to withhold and refraining from climaxing to prolong the foreplay, which is a big part of tantra.
Tantra sex is about being in the present moment, being mindful while focusing on all the senses, those of our own and our partner. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it either. I laid a blanket on the floor, dimmed the lights, had soft tantric music playing, and began to practice what I had read in an article. It was a beautiful experience, and we both enjoyed it. It heightened our intimacy. Although we never tried it again, it was the gateway to helping us to be open and honest without judgment. It strengthened our marriage, and I’m so glad he was on board with trying something new.
Here are some easy ways to keep romance alive.
- Say “I love you” at least once a day.
- Kiss each other good morning and good night.
- Text, email, or write a note of gratitude
- Flirt
- Show affection (a hug or pat on the tushy)
- Buy flowers, chocolate, candy, or something you know they like but don’t always have.
- Dress up! This could be lingerie, or an outfit they’ve complimented you on, or one that makes you feel beautiful. You can also ask them to wear something for you. If they don’t have anything, get them something you would like them to wear.
- Take a shower together.
- Run a bath for your partner. Get a hotel room with a Jacuzzi so you can both enjoy it.
- Give them a massage or get a couples massage. Give each other a foot rub.
- Decorate the bedroom with candles or dimmable lights, flowers and plants, pictures of the two of you together, or images that reflect love and romance, silk or satin linens. You must create the space that honors both femininity and masculinity.
- Play music about love and romance (sing together, hold hands, slow dance, or sway together). Many years ago, my hubby and I took ballroom dance classes. Every once in a while, he will grab me and dance to the beat in his head.
- Have a picnic in the park even if it’s with the kids. Let them play while you and your partner lie down on a blanket to cuddle, read to one another, and run your hands through their hair.
- Exercise together. Go for a walk, hike, or jog.
- Once a week or once a month, spend some alone time together. Take a day off work while the kids are at school, or meet up after work at your favorite coffee shop before heading home. Go for a walk in the neighborhood after dinner, even if the kids have to tag along.
- Take, send, and request pics. Next time, consider having the family photographer take a few photos of just you and your partner being playful and flirtatious with each other. You can even have your child take pictures of you both. Trust me, the kids would love to do so!
- Get competitive. This will get the blood flowing in the right direction. Work up a sweat. Be sure to include a romantic prize. Try axe throwing, a ropes course, rock wall climbing, video games, racing, and more. You don’t have to wait for a holiday or special occasion for a family three-legged or bean bag race.
- Cook together. Even if it’s just spaghetti, you can reenact the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp.
- Laughter is the cure for almost everything. Watch a stand-up comedian, comedy show, or movie together. Get tickets to see a live show.
- Role play! The kids do it all the time. It’s something many adults forget how fun it can be. Get yourselves some toys and costumes. If that is not your forte, don’t worry, you can play your own way. Many years ago, I recall having asked my husband to do some work around the house. Frustrated with the task not being tended to, I called his cell phone, leaving a voicemail pretending to be a customer, making my request and asking for a callback to schedule a date and time for said task to be completed. To this day, I still jokingly say, “Do I need to make an appointment?”
