Trigger Warning: Pregnancy Loss and Perinatal Mental Health
Hello, I’m Jamie! I am a mother of two boys (and a fur baby), married to my best friend, and living my dream career as a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health and trauma.
Growing up, I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. I often imagined my motherhood experience and envisioned happy dances after seeing two blue lines, strutting around the town with my round belly, and holding a chubby-cheeked baby filled with bliss. Like many of you, my journey to motherhood looked very different than I imagined.
When it came time to start our family, those dreams grew into anxiety with each month that passed without that positive test. After several months, I finally had my positive test, only to experience an earth-shattering miscarriage.
The following month, I discovered I was pregnant again. Instead of elation, I was prepared for another loss. The beginning of the pregnancy was marked by living one doctor visit to the next. We unceremoniously informed our families, with the undertone of not getting your hopes up. My days were filled with terror over every little thing that could happen, and my nights were filled with nightmares of another loss.
Without knowing it, I was suffering from the effects of perinatal trauma, with anxiety and OCD symptoms clouding any experience of joy.
Once I was far enough along, I’d find an exhale of relief after checking the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler, only to worry hours (or minutes) later. To add to it all, I was pregnant in 2021 when COVID cases were skyrocketing. Over the months, I lost more and more of myself and the vision I had for pregnancy. I remember a sobering moment of looking in the mirror and truly feeling like I was seeing a stranger.
Pregnancy felt unsafe and unbearable.
All I wanted was to have my baby because I felt like I would be able to keep him safe if I could see him and hold him. I was grateful to have a positive birth experience and, with a few minor hiccups, to hold my baby in my arms. The anxiety continued in the months that followed, although much more tolerable than before. Yet, I continued to feel like I couldn’t even think about becoming pregnant again.
As months passed, I knew that I wanted another baby but continued to know that I couldn’t manage another pregnancy living in that mental space. So, I worked with my therapist around my experiences, processing my grief and finding ways to manage my anxiety. My outlook improved, yet I still found myself stuck any time I thought about my pregnancy loss. During this time, I happened to be going through continued EMDR training and experienced it as a client.
EMDR was revolutionary for my healing. After years, I could finally think about my loss without terror and could imagine myself pregnant and feeling excitement rather than dread.
After almost a year of trying, I learned that I was pregnant with my second son. This pregnancy was a healing experience for me. I could reclaim joy and celebrate in a way I doubted I ever could. To be clear, I still experienced (and continue to experience) perinatal anxiety. But I felt so much safer and more supported in my journey.
Being a therapist, I thought I was prepared for all of the mental challenges that could arise during the perinatal period. Yet, I quickly found that I knew so little about maternal mental health (and let’s be honest, grad school just doesn’t teach about this).
This sparked a desire to learn, both to understand my experiences and those of others. I took courses on all things maternal mental health and became certified in Perinatal Mental Health through Postpartum Support International in May 2023.
In my work today, I am passionate about supporting moms in their journeys and providing a space to heal from trauma and be heard without judgment. I strive to destigmatize conversations around maternal mental health and normalize seeking out support and not having to do it alone. I am excited to join Westchester County Mom and share about all things maternal mental health!
