Let’s Talk About When a Friendship Fades Before Your Eyes

I look forward to those “On This Day” memories on Facebook daily. My friends and family know that I’m a bit of a sentimental sap. I love to reminisce and even take a peek at who commented and who “liked” the post. I always take an extra glance when I see “add as friend” next to someone’s name, as it means I’d been “unfriended” sometime over the last year.

It’s been largely due to politics, which seems to be the common denominator. I’ve experienced some folks thinking I’m too liberal…and some folks thinking I’m not liberal enough! No joke. Those of us stuck in the middle of the political spectrum seem to experience most of the drama because you get it from all sides!

This said, throughout my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to have lifelong friends—even from elementary school. As luck would have it, social media helped to re-energize some friendships, resulting in an even stronger connection. Sure, I can do better—as can most—but overall, I’m proud to say I’m a cool lady to be buds with!

So, I was taken aback a few weeks ago when those three little words “add as friend” appeared next to someone’s name. What?! It glared at me, almost in bold, neon lights. Wow. This one was not for political reasons. It was personal and quite recent. 

A Little Background

My son was born in 2004, before the days of true social media and online mom groups. You had to get out there to meet people! I was clueless about where and how to find local “mommy” friends. I worked in the city full-time, and with my commute, I was away from home for about 11 hours a day. I did not know where to go to make local mommy friends, and I hardly had the time for the effort.

My son was enrolled at a childcare center, but my husband handled all drop-off and pick-up since I didn’t drive. Occasionally, I accompanied him, and I met many of the parents over time. There were a few “girls’ night out” dinners and the birthday party-filled weekends, where I could chat more with parents.

I gravitated towards one woman who was one of the other daycare moms because we lived in the same town and both worked in Manhattan at the time. Our kids had been at the center since they were infants. Her daughter was THE cutest! She and my son enjoyed each other’s company, even at a young age. We became friendlier when the kids were in the preschool program. This was around 2007/2008; we were pregnant with our second.

We became good friends, and honestly, it wasn’t just because of the kids. We had many similarities, and we joked that it was due to us having the same astrological sign. We offered each other sound advice and a true shoulder to cry on. We chatted about our careers and coincidentally gave each other job leads – which we both landed. Our sense of humor jived, and we had tons of silly private jokes and laughed so often and easily together. For a long time, we were one of each other’s “go-to gals.” We’d chat, text, and try for impromptu get-togethers with the kids.

We did many things with the kids, like apple picking, play dates, meetings at indoor play areas, and so on. We’d refer to our kids as the Fab Four because they had a blast together. We’d certainly hang out without the kids, too – moms need their “girls’ night out!” She came to my 40th birthday celebration, and my husband (who hardly ever takes notice of these things) said we had a great friendship. He was happy for me. I am comfortable saying she was my first real, local mommy friend.

As our kids got older, some of the “easy” play dates, like meeting at McDonald’s so the Fab Four could play on the equipment while the two of us chatted and caught up, could be no more. The kids were getting too old and too big for that. As time marched on, it became more challenging to get together. Kids had activities after school – sports, scouts, religion. As life started moving us in different directions, I’d be lying if I didn’t feel us drifting apart a bit because the in-person meetups became few and far between. We still had a huge connection on Facebook and always remained in touch. Hilarities that made us laugh to the point of tears would pop up now and again, always resulting in a text or a Facebook post to each other.

The Possible Turning Point

My son’s Bar Mitzvah was in December 2017, a milestone not only for the Bar Mitzvah boy but a celebratory event for the whole family. The guest list typically gets narrowed down to the closest of families and friends. These friends may not even be the ones you see every day, but the ones to whom you have a history and closeness. I invited this friend and her kids – even though it had been a while since we’d seen each other in person, they were always on our guest list.

The invites went out—some texted, called, or emailed to say they received the invite. This is not required, but I was curious why she hadn’t reached out. We’d often chatted about the Bar Mitzvah over the past few years. Each time one or the other had an important and exciting event in each other’s lives—happy or sad—we’d connect to check-in.

The responses flowed in, and just a few days before the RSVP deadline, I texted to see if they could attend. She said they’d been trying to make it work but unfortunately couldn’t for various reasons. I think a Bar Mitzvah is a huge event, and it’s an honor to be invited. My family will always make every effort to attend an event such as a Bar Mitzvah, but I understand that not everyone has the same notion. Although I did not express it at the time, I was disappointed.

The Bar Mitzvah came and went without a word—not even a Facebook comment or “like.” I point this out because Facebook was a tool that kept our relationship intact. I hoped everything was okay with her and the family. At the same time, though, I wondered if she was upset with me.

Fast forward to this past February. I had a funny dream that she was in. That following day I texted her: “I had a dream that you were mad at me because I didn’t like the theme song from Titanic. Like really mad. Like not friends anymore mad! Then I added in – That said, I do sense that part of that may be true. And it’s not the Titanic part…”

The response was, “Not at all!!…life for me has been nuts…I’ve taken a back seat on lots of stuff…I hope you guys are well. Take care. Hope to see you guys soon.” In the text (not specified here due to privacy), she explained some things going on in her life – not the easiest of situations. I’ve always been supportive. I try my best to be this way with all my friends, really. Why wouldn’t I?

I responded with a question and comment regarding the circumstances. The text ended with, “I will admit to being a little hurt about the bar mitzvah… I know everyone has lots of stuff going on and commitments (some awesome, like your son’s sports and new jobs…and some less so). Same with us here. Different, of course, but still nutso and overwhelming. And life, friendship, choices, and priorities change. I get it. I’m not looking to add drama, but I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t being honest about it. I hope that’s okay…PS. I don’t like the Titanic theme song.

And that was it. I never received a text back. Through the power of “On This Day” on Facebook, I discovered the unfriending and, days later, the unfollowing on Instagram. How could this be it? How could this be the end of our fun friendship?

The Cool Kids Call It “Ghosting” These Days, Right?

Luckily, this was a pretty new concept for m,, but itts was an icky feeling! Then came the “What Did I Do?” questions.

• Was it wrong to tell her how I was feeling? Being “real” was always something we shared.
• Was I rude, overbearing, or aggressive? Of course not – that’s not me.
• Was I being insensitive? I mean, we all have stuff going on.
• Were my friendship expectations unrealistic?
• Did I make this all up? Maybe we weren’t as good friends as I thought?

Then, a little anger kicked in. Did I waste all the years when I could have been making other friends? Was I so desperate for a mom friend that I put effort toward the wrong person?  I lean towards saying “no” and “no,” but the reality is, I don’t believe I did anything wrong, per se – except to be honest with a friend. We ALL have lots going on. And my friends know I’m a good sounding board when “something” hits the fan.

Most friendships and relationships are formed for a reason. They provide lessons and can shape you as a person, for better or worse. Not only did we have some hilarious times together, but our friendship truly offered me more confidence to “just be me.” Meeting folks locally and forming new friendships where I live became easier. I have her to thank for that.

I can’t tell you what happened, and I’m not sure I’ll ever know. Friendships fade, and priorities shift, but I never thought this friendship wouldn’t weather the storm, the distances, and the changes in our lives. I knew our friendship was the real deal. It was—even if it was only for the time it was meant to be. 

Have you ever had a friendship fade? How have you dealt with it?