Back to School Pressures to Volunteer for the PTA

“Back to School” is popping up everywhere! I’m not sure the kids are feeling it just yet, but it is in full force for us parents! Emails from school administration, school supplies are front and center in stores, fall clothing ads are filling up my snail mail, and many more school-related social media posts.

In the spirit of jumping on the bandwagon, I started skimming through some. I came across a post titled Stop Whining and Join the PTA. Here we go, sanctimommies, what have you got for me today?

I am paraphrasing here, but here are some points the author made: If you haven’t joined, you are doing a disservice to the school community. I don’t think it’s too much to come help out occasionally. Don’t send in the annual family dues and never attend a meeting. Do it so our students continue to be enriched. It’s always the same group of parents who spend hours upon hours raising money and planning events to enhance the experience of all kids at school.

I think it’s a little dramatic, but I hear you, mama. We all know that every Parent/Teacher Association and school can always use more help and resources. I’ve seen and lived it, and I may have muttered similar things at times, but something was not sitting well with me.

And then there it was. The statement that if she can do it, we can all do it.

Say No to the “If I Can Do It, So Can You”

I have to believe the author did not have bad intentions—in fact, I think she was truly hoping for more assistance and participation in school events. Still, she had me at “If I can do it, so can you…” Why must we do this to people?

Helping out with the PTA is just one of the many return-to-school tasks. The return to school also brings pressure in many areas for parents and guardians: more structure and stricter schedules, homework and project help, school events, activities galore, more coordination, and less spontaneity for just about anything and everything! All of this takes time, energy, and resources.

I do my share of PTA stuff – and that is my choice. As much as I’ve tried to fight it, deny it, and even hide it – I am a closet PTA mom. I work full-time out of my home office, which results in availability that others may not have. I’ve taken on roles that lead to hours upon hours of commitment – that’s my choice because I can and want to. Some do way more; some do less.

That said, I cannot bring myself to question or assume the intentions of fellow parents. There are a gazillion and one reasons (not excuses) why someone cannot participate in school functions. We have no clue what’s really cooking in other lives, even if we think we do.

One Size Fits All Has No Place Here

We are not all the same, and no one has the same life. Among many explanations, here are some to consider.

Professional Obligations: This is the most obvious, understood, and accepted reason. Related reasons include working part-time/hourly, occupations where you are on call, jobs where you don’t get paid unless you work (e.g., hairdresser), recently starting a new job and can’t take off, or running out of vacation time.

Personal Issues: Family makeup might prevent participation, such as a single parent, possibly with one income, younger children at home, eldercare obligations, or a traveling spouse/partner. Monetary constraints may prohibit one from donating money. Ongoing illnesses, including being handicapped or suffering from depression, may also come into play.

Comfort Level: Language barriers may result in not understanding what the school/PTA might be asking for and a parent not feeling accepted. Social anxiety, which can bring discomfort in social interactions where one is concerned about being judged or evaluated by peers, may also be the cause. Some are more shy or introverted and prefer calm, minimally stimulating environments. Others feel intimidated and self-conscious and do not enjoy any spotlight or pressure. A few may have been burned under similar circumstances in the past.

And let’s not forget those who have paid their dues—in every sense of the word—as full-on participants in the PTA for an older child!

Help Me, Help You

There is so much pressure on us adults! Why judge? We’re doing the best we can.

I worked five days a week in New York City when my kids were in daycare/preschool – my commute and my job were tough, I didn’t drive, and I was still suffering from years of postpartum depression. Granted, “fewer” events were involved in the daycare/preschool years, but I could not be much of a part of anything school-related. That’s where I was at the time.

Overall, people mean well—especially when it comes to their kids. Parents want to support their children. The bottom line is that often when a parent is not “present,” they’re likely performing some family responsibility. I’m not saying that you won’t come across parents who look the opposite way when asked to contribute or participate, but that’s the exception and not the norm.

On another note, out of sight does not necessarily mean out of mind. Behind the scenes, there’s a crew of folks who donate money, offer sound advice on ideas, cook up food for events, or donate raffle items for fundraisers—and some may host play dates so other parents can commit to their PTA roles. Just because someone may hardly ever walk into the school doesn’t mean they aren’t helping in their way.

There’s undoubtedly a guilt associated with not being present. I’ve experienced it myself and heard about it from other parents on more than one occasion. Why put it out there and make them feel worse? Not cool, sanctimommies!

I’m all about turning it around and supporting a fellow parent if needed and wanted. I’ve extended a helping hand to fellow parents, including carpooling or playing parent to a child at an event if their parent couldn’t be present. The ability to understand, be compassionate, and help families goes a long way. Cut them some slack. Be kind. Be a friend.

On that note, I’ll add...If I can do this, so can you!