What was your vision of motherhood? You know, the idealized one, dreamed up in your head while you were pregnant? What parent were you absolutely going to be when you had kids?
Well, I’m definitely not that mom.
Wrong.
Instead, I’m regularly running to the bus stop with my son, who is buying lunch because I didn’t have time to pack it last night because I work from home and got sidetracked by cleaning, so I’m working after dinner instead of while my son is in school (to be fair, my daughter was home with me). I can’t remember when I last showered, and my hair is a rat’s nest. I wear sunglasses and a baseball cap to hide that; plus, I didn’t take off all of my eyeliner last night, and I have yet another breakout because that epic skincare routine gets done only 50% of the time.
This year, my son asked me why we didn’t decorate for Halloween as usual. Okay, we did decorate, but I didn’t have time to put out all our outdoor decorations. I only decorated indoors because I did a few things at a time and could do it while cleaning. And that tote filled with decorations was in the way, and I couldn’t just put it away again full, right?
I explained that Daddy and I have been very busy. That is the truth; we have. But maybe if I could figure out that color-coded system, I might have an extra hour somewhere. Guilt creeps in.
These aren’t one-offs. Frazzled and disorganized is my state of being. I’ve always been this way, but parenthood intensified the issue. I feel like an utter failure for being so forgetful, stressed, behind on everything. But after years of trying to be the mom I dreamed I’d be, I’m finally learning to accept the mom I am. I’m a hot mess. It is what it is. Fight the inevitable, or embrace the chaos. I’m all about mindfulness, so embrace the chaos it is.
Maybe there is some good in it all. I teach my kids how to fail with grace and then try again. And then fail again, and again, and again. I’m teaching them how to be human and admit to that failure; we are all human.
They are learning how to ask for help and how to fall short, hopefully without too much self-loathing (okay, I still need to work on that). They are watching how to keep trying to do better because I have so much room for improvement. I guess there is always tomorrow to finally find balance and routine! And in that, I hope there will be at least a few lessons that will guide them toward success.
