I have a few rules when it comes to safety when dating.
- Text a friend his picture, name, and contact before a date.
- Let that friend know where you are and when you will check-in.
- Meet your date in a public place and stay there; don’t go to a second location.
- Text or call your friend at the end of the date so they know you’re safe.
- Don’t go anywhere private (your place or theirs) until you feel comfortable. Trust your gut!
These rules were established via trial and error.
I tried something, erred, and promised never to do it again. Like the one time, after a first date, I got into his car, and he pushed my head down towards his zipper, assuming that’s what I was there for. Or, the time I met a police officer at a bar and went outside with him because it was too loud to talk (and too public to kiss). Then he showed me his gun and suggested we go to his place so he could drop it off. I didn’t want to, but I liked him and thought I could trust him, but I couldn’t.
In these situations, I ignored my gut and let someone else decide for me. I blamed myself for the consequences and promised never to do it again. Even with the rules, it’s hard to keep safe. Dating isn’t the only place where women are coerced, intimidated, or frightened.
As a young teacher, I remember when a colleague tried to get my attention as I walked up the stairs. Instead of saying my name, he reached out to grab me, touching the back of my bare thigh, up under my below-the-knee skirt. I don’t remember what he urgently had to ask, just the feeling of his clammy hand.
When I was pregnant and walking down the streets of New York, I learned which to avoid. Groups of men sat on certain stoops or in lawn chairs on particular sidewalks, offering to “give me twins” or suggesting that they wanted to feel my baby kick from the inside.
These stories have been relayed to friends with laughs and nods of sympathy. These friends have stories of their own that I can relate to, that we brush off and move on from – together. But should we?
I can see the tides turning. Women have begun to be believed first and questioned later. The next step in change is for mothers to talk to their children – male and female alike.
I ask that we work together. Maybe the next generation won’t have rules women must pass along to one another to be safe when they date.
Yes!!! Excellent comments for International Women’s Day! I especially like the part about how all these men have had their minds changed by having a daughter, but they never consider what it may have been like for their mothers. Great writing, as usual!
Thanks Leslie. Writing this made me feel proud of the progress women have spearheaded this year ! Go us!
Keveney, thank you so much for this post. I admire your openness and ability to cut to the heart of this very poignant issue. It is hard for people to talk about these moments, but in my experience even harder admitting to yourself what happened was not right.
I too am guilty of making questionable situations in jokes. I tell these stories for entertainment not for the raising awareness of the issue of consent. As I write this, I even wonder to myself how consent could be an “issue”, shouldn’t it just be a rule? So thank you Keveney for continuing this all to important dialogue and sharing your stories. Through you I feel empowered to speak my truth.
Laura, sometimes all we can do is joke – am I right?! Thanks for the comment.
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