I must have been told by my kids a thousand times, “You never admit when you are wrong! You never say you are sorry!”
I wonder whether it is their filtered perception (which, of course, is their reality) or whether it is really true. I remember feeling exactly the same at their age towards my mom, and for many years after that. Come to think of it, maybe even now. It’s not the best feeling or memory to have of your parents. I’m not happy with this coming from my own kids.
The statement itself is so powerful because inevitably it makes me feel bad – as if I needed any more mommy guilt. At the same time, it makes me feel defensive. Whether or not I tell my kids that I am wrong or ‘sorry’ about something is only half the battle.
Many times, I feel that I am wrong and sorry, now they are calling me out on it! My natural reaction, silently in my head, is, “You have no idea how wrong I am, have been, and will be again and again.”
So why is it so unnatural to admit to my kids that I am wrong and need to apologize?
It doesn’t really matter what the argument is. If I’ve realized I am wrong and am holding that back, isn’t that a lesson they can learn from? Isn’t it essential that kids learn that anyone can realize they are wrong, admit it, and apologize?
Would this kind of admission take us, as parents, down a notch in their eyes, or would it do the opposite? Would it teach them a lesson, namely that anyone can admit their faults?
I decided to take stock in this and really listen to what comes out of my mouth and how it is received. My goal has always been, like I suspect many other parents’, to be a role model, to have a robust and open relationship, and to have my kids come to me when they need to talk.
That goes both ways, as does apologizing. If I want them to grow up to be responsible and to know right from wrong, it starts with me.
I have tried to address this issue. I have really focused on stopping the runaway train (the argument itself) and say, “I hear you, I am sorry I did that. I was wrong.” I’m not sure it is heard the way it is meant to be, or whether it is swept to the back of the brain in the heat of the moment.
Maybe it will take some time, maturity, and open-mindedness from all the parties involved? I’m not sure. I haven’t felt worse about it. It hasn’t taken a piece of me, and I don’t think it’s made me less of an authority figure.
