Is there really such a thing as a perfectly successful marriage? Honestly, probably not. For most couples, an extraordinary, storybook marriage isn’t realistic—but a deeply satisfying, mostly happy one absolutely is.
With our 35th wedding anniversary approaching, I’ve found myself reflecting on the reality of marriage, what it looks like after decades together, four kids raised, countless challenges navigated, and a lifetime of shared history. Somewhere along the way, my husband and I unknowingly wrote our own marriage “code.” It hasn’t been flawless, romantic every day, or easy—but it has been meaningful, enduring, and deeply gratifying.
What we’ve learned is simple but powerful: love and respect are inseparable. They meant everything on our wedding day, and decades later, they mean even more. Those feelings don’t fade with time—they multiply. They become deeper, steadier, and harder to measure. And that, I believe, is the real foundation of a healthy marriage.
Over the years, our contentment has come down to what I call the Five Cs of marriage.
1. Commitment
Commitment is the starting point and the constant return point. I’ve always loved the traditional wedding vows because they acknowledge reality: health issues, money stress, trust challenges, and the unexpected turns life takes.
Commitment isn’t a one-time promise; it’s a decision you make again and again. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s exhausting. But re-committing, especially when things feel off, has allowed us to work through problems, or at least move forward together instead of apart.
2. Consideration
Being married means truly seeing each other. That includes insecurities, talents, fears, goals, physical limits, emotional needs, and yes, even food preferences.
In our house, meals matter (thank you, Italian roots). A three-course dinner on a Wednesday isn’t unusual, but that doesn’t mean I always cook. Summer nights belong to my husband and his grill. Winter meals are more my territory. If one of us has skipped lunch, had a brutal day at work, or is emotionally tapped out, the other steps in. No scorekeeping.
The same goes for family dynamics, scheduling chaos, and emotional labor. Sometimes, consideration looks like a conversation. Other times, it’s simply saying, “I’ve got this.”
3. Communication
Communication is often praised as the cure-all, but after decades together, I’ve learned it’s more nuanced than “talk it out.”
Some things do need to be said. Others, especially minor irritations, are better left unsaid. Silence, when used thoughtfully, can be just as powerful as words.
And communication doesn’t always mean talking. Sometimes it’s an apology served as a cup of coffee, filling the gas tank, or watching a show you couldn’t care less about. Eventually, tempers cool, walls come down, and the kitchen table becomes a place of conversation again, not quiet tension.
4. Compromise
This one is non-negotiable—and tricky. There are things we tolerate in marriage that our younger, single selves never would have imagined. But compromise only works when it’s balanced. If one person is always bending, resentment follows, and resentment is relationship poison.
My husband never wanted a nightlight. We’ve had one for 35 years. I grew up afraid of animals and now live with a dog at my feet, three cats (one glued to me every evening), and a fish. Marriage is funny like that.
The payoff? Watching my husband’s gentleness with our kids when they were little, and now with our grandchildren, has made every compromise worth it. Ideally, compromise comes with at least one unexpected perk.
5. Commonalities
Yes, opposites attract—but shared values matter. I can recite birthdays, anniversaries, and phone numbers from memory, yet I still need GPS to get two towns over. My husband handles directions; I handle details. We balance each other.
But shared beliefs, especially about parenting, are essential. Raising children is both the most rewarding and most challenging job there is. If you aren’t aligned at the core, disagreements can quickly become overwhelming.
So, does an extraordinary marriage exist? Yes, but not in the way we’re often sold.
